It is 4:04 a.m. right now and I am super tired, but I can't sleep. You see, I forgot to take my medication yesterday. UGH! So please forgive me, but I need to rant today.
This will be a very serious post, and for those of you with mental illnesses I want to warn you that this may be triggering.
I am grumpy. I hate having to take medication for my bazillion mental illnesses. I hate constantly trying new medications to see if something will work for me. I have a phobia of medications, because I have had some absolutely terrifying side effects from them (*cough cough PAXIL!*cough*).
I hate the side effects, the stress, the anxiety and the bad reactions.
(Not my image)
I hate having to take half a year to get off one stupid medication in particular that didn't make me better, but actually worse. (I am still trying to wean myself off of it completely.)
I hate knowing that this medication is making me feel even worse (which is really not something that I need right now, let alone for the last couple years!), and not being able to just stop taking it cold turkey.
(Not my image)
One of the medications I am on was at 400 mgs. Now I am at 150 and it has literally taken me months (about half a year) to lower it this much, and the last time I lowered it my sleep got screwed up for a month (actually it still is). So for over a month now my body literally cannot sleep for more than 3 or 4 (usually 4 max) hours at a time. I usually wake up every 3-3.5 hours. So I go back to sleep, then wake up another 2.5 hours later.
A couple of weeks ago I was able to sleep for a solid 5 hours straight, and it was glorious. (Glorious, I say!)
I am awake right now because I have anxiety, and because my other medication I am on makes me feel physically ill when I delay taking it (like I am going to throw up).
I hate being mentally ill.
I hate having generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, psychosis, paranoid delusions, depression, an eating disorder, and whatever else.
I hate flipping in between feeling *almost* normal for a couple hours, to being afraid that people aren't real or that they are trying to hurt me for days.
I hate not being able to function like a healthy, normal, human being.
I hate questioning if my memories are real, if people really care about me, if people are trying to poison me.
I can put on a normal face, I can act like nothing is wrong most of the time, and because no one but me knows what I am thinking (unless I tell them), people think I am fine.
I really do look normal.
I hate having gained so much weight from the last time I tried quitting smoking (I went for 5 months), then from my heavy duty sedating anti-psychotic medication (warning, it said, can cause *massive* weight gain, it said). I hate that I am now back where I was with binge eating disorder, and I am at the heaviest I have ever been. I hate that only 5 years ago I was really thin from not eating, and despite all of that I still thought I was fat. I hate that I would go back to being that sick in one second, if it meant weighing that again. But even if I did, I would still think I was fat. (It's so ridiculous!)
I hate looking in the mirror and hating what I see.
I hate that I am scared to go into town by myself. I hate that at one point it got so bad that I literally could not be left alone in a room by myself, or else I would start getting massive panic attacks. I could barely leave my apartment to go to the corner store next door (literally next door). I hate that I over analyse every.single.thing. until I start feeling crazy and terrified of it. EVERY THING. The air I breathe. The light I see, the sounds I hear, the touch of fabric, the thoughts in my head.
Even though it makes no sense whatsoever (and I know that, I really do!), when I am in my completely illogical frame of mind, I can believe almost anything that my brain thinks up. Sometimes I am terrified that my memories aren't real, even if they are from only 5 minutes ago.
I hate being so hyper aware of everything, of time passing, of moments lost. So many people say to 'live in the moment', but if they lived in the moment the way I do, they wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I hate that when I get like this, I get scared of everyone around me, including my family and friends. That absolutely crushes me. They don't deserve that. I know it is not my fault, but I still feel that it is.
I hate not being able to control my own brain. My own self. I would give up a leg if it meant being mentally healthy. And yes, I really do mean that. Literally, having my whole leg completely lopped off.
I hate not being able to do more for my loved ones who also suffer from extreme mental illnesses. Having to just sit there and watch them suffer, from morning until evening, every day.. words can't even.
I hate being so helpless. I hate being sick. I would never wish this on anyone, including my worst enemy.
Thank you for letting me rant. Some days it just gets a bit too much, y'know?