Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Very Personal Post and Medication Rant GRRR! (Possible Trigger Warning)

Good morning lovelies.

It is 4:04 a.m. right now and I am super tired, but I can't sleep.  You see, I forgot to take my medication yesterday.  UGH!  So please forgive me, but I need to rant today.

This will be a very serious post, and for those of you with mental illnesses I want to warn you that this may be triggering.

*****

I am grumpy.  I hate having to take medication for my bazillion mental illnesses.  I hate constantly trying new medications to see if something will work for me.  I have a phobia of medications, because I have had some absolutely terrifying side effects from them (*cough cough PAXIL!*cough*).

I hate the side effects, the stress, the anxiety and the bad reactions.

(Not my image)

I hate having to take half a year to get off one stupid medication in particular that didn't make me better, but actually worse.  (I am still trying to wean myself off of it completely.)

I hate knowing that this medication is making me feel even worse (which is really not something that I need right now, let alone for the last couple years!), and not being able to just stop taking it cold turkey.

(Not my image)

One of the medications I am on was at 400 mgs.  Now I am at 150 and it has literally taken me months (about half a year) to lower it this much, and the last time I lowered it my sleep got screwed up for a month (actually it still is).  So for over a month now my body literally cannot sleep for more than 3 or 4 (usually 4 max) hours at a time.  I usually wake up every 3-3.5 hours.  So I go back to sleep, then wake up another 2.5 hours later.

A couple of weeks ago I was able to sleep for a solid 5 hours straight, and it was glorious. (Glorious, I say!)

I am awake right now because I have anxiety, and because my other medication I am on makes me feel physically ill when I delay taking it (like I am going to throw up).

I hate being mentally ill.

I hate having generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, psychosis, paranoid delusions, depression, an eating disorder, and whatever else.

I hate flipping in between feeling *almost* normal for a couple hours, to being afraid that people aren't real or that they are trying to hurt me for days.

I hate not being able to function like a healthy, normal, human being.

I hate questioning if my memories are real, if people really care about me, if people are trying to poison me.

I can put on a normal face, I can act like nothing is wrong most of the time, and because no one but me knows what I am thinking (unless I tell them), people think I am fine.

I really do look normal.

I hate having gained so much weight from the last time I tried quitting smoking (I went for 5 months), then from my heavy duty sedating anti-psychotic medication (warning, it said, can cause *massive* weight gain, it said).  I hate that I am now back where I was with binge eating disorder, and I am at the heaviest I have ever been.  I hate that only 5 years ago I was really thin from not eating, and despite all of that I still thought I was fat.  I hate that I would go back to being that sick in one second, if it meant weighing that again.  But even if I did, I would still think I was fat.  (It's so ridiculous!)

I hate looking in the mirror and hating what I see.

I hate that I am scared to go into town by myself.  I hate that at one point it got so bad that I literally could not be left alone in a room by myself, or else I would start getting massive panic attacks.  I could barely leave my apartment to go to the corner store next door (literally next door).  I hate that I over analyse every.single.thing. until I start feeling crazy and terrified of it.  EVERY THING.  The air I breathe.  The light I see, the sounds I hear, the touch of fabric, the thoughts in my head.

Even though it makes no sense whatsoever (and I know that, I really do!), when I am in my completely illogical frame of mind, I can believe almost anything that my brain thinks up.  Sometimes I am terrified that my memories aren't real, even if they are from only 5 minutes ago.

I hate being so hyper aware of everything, of time passing, of moments lost.  So many people say to 'live in the moment', but if they lived in the moment the way I do, they wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I hate that when I get like this, I get scared of everyone around me, including my family and friends.  That absolutely crushes me.  They don't deserve that.  I know it is not my fault, but I still feel that it is.

I hate not being able to control my own brain.  My own self.  I would give up a leg if it meant being mentally healthy.  And yes, I really do mean that.  Literally, having my whole leg completely lopped off.

I hate not being able to do more for my loved ones who also suffer from extreme mental illnesses.  Having to just sit there and watch them suffer, from morning until evening, every day..  words can't even.

I hate being so helpless.  I hate being sick.  I would never wish this on anyone, including my worst enemy.

Thank you for letting me rant.  Some days it just gets a bit too much, y'know?

-Ashesela


22 comments:

  1. Girl, i love you for the fact that u wrote your mind so clearly, so many people fear writing what they feel ir think or what they are going thru...
    Reading your post , i think ur so brave that ur going through all this and still haven t lost yoursel compleatly. U still have the guds to come and tell us about all this...
    I cannot even imagen how difficult it will be fir you but i will surely pray to god for you.. Just one thing never forget time never stops, this bad tim will be gobe soon..
    Kisses
    Keep in touch,
    www.beingbeautifulandpretty.com
    http://instagram.com/beingbeautifulpooja

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    1. Thank you so incredibly much for your lovely comment, I appreciate that so much!! :} Your words mean a lot to my!! <3

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  2. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I suffer from anxiety and depression and just trying to battle those two is more than enough. x.x I'm sorry you're having meds issues among everything else. I hope that talking out helps you at least a little. Stay strong. You're not as helpless as you think. <3

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, I appreciate them so much!! I'm sorry to hear that you battle depression and anxiety as well, and I hope that you get better soon *hugs*!!!!

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  3. I think it takes such courage to publish this post. I hope you get your medication sorted quickly and that you see an improvement soon.

    Karen x

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    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words :) <3!!!

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  4. I feel ya :( I am diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder, and it's been awful. I recently started Lexapro, and it has totally sucked. I have gone through the suicidal thoughts too, the heavy weight of self-doubts, the terror of depersonalization, and everything is so scary it's unreal. Mental illness runs in my family, and I'm terrified of getting worse, but really, what can you do? Just keep on trying to move forward in a positive manner.
    'Living in the moment' is such a hard one to do, but maybe this will help: start walking. This has helped me so much, it's kind of silly. At first, I thought there was no way I'd be able to walk while feeling so anxious or at the start of a panic attack, but it actually wasn't. Early on it was a way to just get the excess adrenaline out of my system, but over time I've been able to notice and appreciate different things while I'm walking- the weather is nice this evening, I love the scent of that honeysuckle bush over there, the sound of the puppy barking is cute, etc. Those are the moments to live in. As an added bonus, walking is also doing something healthy, so its like hitting quite a few birds with one stone :)
    Anyway, thanks for sharing with the world what you're going through, it's not easy! I hope you and your doctors are able to figure out the medication situation soon, and that you are able to find some relief (you deserve it)! ♥

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    1. Hi Jessica, thank you so very much for your kind message. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with GAD and panic disorder too. :( Mental illness runs in my family too, and I know how tough it can be trying to find the right meds (so frustrating!)
      Thank you for sharing what you go through too :), and thank you so very much for the suggestion of walking, it is a really great tip :)
      I wish you the best and I hope that your condition gets better and that it gets easier for you to cope with it. I hope that you find the right combination of meds, and that you feel much better! *hugs*

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear that but thank you for sharing... Some people out there are probably going through the same thing so it will be reassuring that they are not alone.. Just like you're not alone! It took. Lot of courage on your part to tell us all that. I wish you all the best and quick improvement... Btw, have you tried ECT therapy? They do help..

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    1. Hi Gosia, thank you so much for your kind message. I really appreciate it so very much :) Knowing that you aren't alone is one of the best things when going through something like mental illness, as the sickness preys upon your mind and makes you feel like you are all by yourself. But having people to talk to and who understand makes a world of a difference. Thank you again :)
      I have not tried ECT before, and to be honest I probably wouldn't because it is very scary hahaha. XD But I do appreciate the suggestion!! :)

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  6. Ash, this post broke my heart but I'm so amazed at the courage you have to be honest about all these things. Being locked in your own mind is the one jail impossible to break through...but there is help and amazing strides done to help those that suffer. The side effects, I can only imagine, are just another pang in a long line of bruises, but think of me as battle scars, unfortunately there but can serve as a reminder that you're a fighter. I hope that made sense. In any case, my heart goes out to you <3

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    1. Thank you so much Amanda *hugs*!!! I appreciate your words so very much!! :')
      I also appreciate your kindness and understanding :) I really like the idea of thinking of being a fighter! :D Even though I battle with this every day, I feel like I am weak, and hearing what you said makes me feel much better!! Thank you again so much!!!

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  7. Don't no what to comment. Want to write something that makes you feel better, with your illnesses or just in general life, but words aren't coming. I've been through a terrible 19 years (in the past) to the point I've tried to end my life. But the last 5 years have pretty much been great (with ups and downs...but at least there are some true ups) and I'm glad I'm still here to live my life and enjoy these 'ups'.
    Hopefully, over time, you can look back and say the same!

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    1. Thank you so much, Margriet. I am sorry to hear that you have had such a rough past, but I am glad that you are doing much better (and that the last 5 years have really improved for you!!!). That makes me very happy to hear that. I know that there will always be ups and downs in life, and I do appreciate being alive and having such loving family members and friends (I sure couldn't do this without them, I can tell you that!).
      I am so glad that you didn't end your life. Really, really glad. *huge hugs* While I think about death so often, I do not want to die. I just want the pain to go away (and I know you know how that feels). I'm sure someday I will get better, or at least feel better for the most part. I just hope that day hurries up and gets here! :)

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  8. It's so hard to comment on a post that was probably even harder to write. And I know nothing I can say can make it become better. I've only had one period in my life where I went into full on depression because I was jobless for 10 months and very far away from my family but that was nothing compared to what you are going through. All I can say is us girlies love you! You have always been a great inspiration and coming here makes me happy! Rant away! Sometimes it's the perfect thing that you need right now. We are here to support, love and care so take full advantage of that! Just happy if we can also put a smile on your face!

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    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your words!! <3
      Sometimes just being able to get out what I want to say can really help, and having people who will listen and wish me well means the world to me!! I am sorry to hear that you went through depression as well; it is so horrible to go through!! From your comment I am guessing that that time has passed, and that you are doing better. I am so glad to read that!! :D
      Thank you again so much, I appreciate your comment more than I can say!!

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  9. I know there is not much I can say to make anything better, but know that you are never alone. You are loved and irreplaceable. Dealing with Depression on its own is something that is very hard and something most people will not talk about. They way you open up about what you feel and what is going on is heart wrenching. I so wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you bring beauty into this world. I can only imagine the struggles you are dealing with and I am glad that you have a family around that loves and supports you. I am sure that in sharing the way you do you are helping others who have some of the same types of feelings to know that they are not alone and there is nothing wrong with them, they just have different difficultys to learn from in this life.

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    1. Thank you so much Malinda!! Your comments always mean so much to me :) Your words are very comforting and I appreciate them so much. When you said I bring beauty into this world, I cannot even say how much that means to me!!! <3!!

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  10. Aw Ash. This post almost broke my heart. I wish I could come visit you and give you the biggest hug! It sounds like you are and have been going through so much, but you are such a strong and very loved person! I only know you through your posts, but to me, you are amazing and I hope the difficulties you are facing diminish into nothing so you can focus more of your time on you! ♥

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    1. Thank you so much!!! :'D I appreciate what you wrote more than I can say. I am so glad to have a blog, through which I can meet wonderful and kind people like you!! <3 :'D
      Thank you so much!!!

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  11. I've been following you for two years now and I think you are a warrior. Instead of shying away from mental illness you put it in the spotlight which I and many others find inctrdibly brave and commendable. You have so much strength and are so loved in this community!

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    1. <3!! Thank you, thank you more than I can say. Your comment is so sweet and kind, and I appreciate it so much!!! :'D Thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement :D

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Thank you for your comments! :D

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